Dorian Grey the Parrot Gets Candid …

1. I’ve come to realize that my last kiss…
Drew blood.

2. I am listening to…
Jenn’s voice and mimicking it in a deeper robotic baritone, all sexy-like.

3. I talk…
Incessantly to get Jenn’s attention. I also make fart noises with my mouth, burp when I see a beer bottle and answer “hello” every time a phone goes off.

4. I love…
Cheese, wine, meat, stalking Jenn, fending off other humans who compete for Jenn’s attention, protecting my cage, chewing on furniture, getting petted on the head and purring. And James Franco. Jenn said he’s hot and since I’m codependent, I have the same opinion as her.

5. My best friend(s)…
Is Jenn, even though she inexplicably leaves every morning and doesn’t come back until the end of the day. I freak out for about an hour after which I assumed she’s dead or forever gone.

6. My first real kiss…
Was my idea. Jenn tried to lightly peck me on the beak but I went for the tongue. Like a boss.

7. Love is…
Apparently a recurring theme in this questionnaire.

8. Marriage is…
A word that rhymes with “carriage.”

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking…
“I wonder if that’s a pimple or a botfly.”

10. I’ll always be grateful for…
My cage door being permanently open, my sugar momma Jenn, Trader Joe’s gorgonzola crackers, unpeeled grapes, my African-American heritage.

11. The last time I really cried was…
On the inside. I’m a stoic dinosaur.

12. My cell phone…
Doesn’t work since I chewed all the keys off. Jenn has one, but she doesn’t share with me no more. If I want to reach anyone, I just scream like a bitchy banshee at the top of my tiny little lungs.

13. When I wake up in the morning…
I feel like P. Diddy, acknowledge that feeling out loud, then proceed to brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.

14. Before I go to bed…
Jenn gets a second wind, which turns into insomnia and keeps me up way too late for a parrot my age.

15. Right now I am thinking about…
Cheese. I want some in my face.

16. Babies are…
Soft bite-able pets some humans own.

17. I get on Facebook…
With Jenn to keep up on family gossip, chat with the Macedonian relatives and post funny pictures we find on Tumblr.

18. Today, I…
Pierced someone’s ear, free of charge. You’re welcome, Daniel (that’s one of Jenn’s brothers).

19. Tomorrow, I will be…
Up to no good, I’m sure.

20. I really want to be…
A motherfucking pterodactyl.

21. I really look forward to…
Cheese.

Nov 12. 10 Notes.

Notes

  1. walkwithoutrhythm reblogged this from wadsworthless
  2. takenbylovely reblogged this from wadsworthless
  3. idiotbroad reblogged this from wadsworthless
  4. wadsworthless posted this